funny jokes

Last seen 1980! :D

God is really creative, I mean.. just look at me! :)

I hate fake people. You know what I'm talking about. Mannequins. :D

I'm not lazy, I'm on energy saving mode.

I love my job only when I'm on vacation.....

Never make eye contact while eating a banana.

Life is Short - Chat Fast!

If life gives you lemons, just add vodka.

How can i miss something i never had?

Hey there whatsapp is using me.

Girls use photoshop to look beautiful.. Boys use photoshop to show their creativity.

Fact: Phone on silent mode- 10 Missed call... Turns volume to loud- Nobody calls all day!!

Girls, if he only wants your breasts, legs, and thighs. send him to KFC.

You can never buy Love....But still you have to pay for it ..

If you are going to speak bad things about me on my back, come to me. I'll tell you more.

Did anyone else notice the sound if you click the like button on my status?

I live in a world of fantasy, so keep your reality away from me!

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

My biggest concern in life is actually how my online friends can be informed of my death..!!

When I'm a Pedestrian I Hate cars.. When I'm Driving I Hate Pedestrians...

Whoever says "Good Morning" on Monday's deserves to get slapped :)

Mosquitos are like family. Annoying but they carry your blood.

Who needs television when there is so much drama on Facebook.

Everything funnier when your supposed to be quiet..

I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes!!

Save water drink beer.

6 Peg Loading .. :D

Dear Lord, there is a bug in your software...it's called #Monday, please fix it

Always wear cute pajamas to bed you'll never know who you will meet in your dreams.

God is really creative , i mean ..just look at me :P

Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire.

When I'm on my death bed, I want my final words to be "I left one million dollars in the...

I wake up when I cant hold my pee in any longer.

My father always told me, 'Find a job you love and you'll never have to work a day in your life.

Life is too short smile while you still have teeth...

My study period = 15 minutes. My break time = 3 hours.

If College has taught us anything, it's texting without looking :)

I'm Jealous Of My Parents... I'll Never Have A Kid As Cool As Theirs!

Here my dad comes on whatsapp... From now on my status would be '***no status***' or just a smiley...

Don't kiss behind the garden, Love is blind but the neighbors are not.

I Like to study.. Arithmetic - NO ... world history - NO .... chemistry - NO .... GIRLS - YES!!!

Friends are forever, until they get in a relationship!! :P

People call me mike .. You can call me tonight.. :p

In Modern Politics, Even The Leader Of The Free World Needs Help From The Sultan Of Facebookistan!!!

C.L.A.S.S- come late and start sleeping :)

Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)

Everything is 10x funnier when you are not supposed to laugh.

People who exercise live longer, but what's the point when those extra years are spent at gym.

Relationship Status: Looking for a WiFi connection.

It may look like I'm deep in thought, but 99% of the time I'm just thinking about what food to eat later.

Checking your symptoms on Google and accepting that fact that you're going to die.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?

Sorry about those texts I sent you last night, my phone was drunk.

We are WTF generation .... WhatsApp, Twitter and Facebook :D

Having a best friend with the same mental disorder is a blessing. LOL

It's been 70+ years, Tom. You're never going to eat Jerry :)

I want some one to give me a Loan and then leave me Alone. :)

There's like 7 billion people in this world and no one wants to date me. I hate this world ... huh

Dear Lord, all I ask for a chance to prove that winning the lottery won't make a bad person.

I don't usually sleep enough, but when I do, it's still not enough ;)

My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it. lolz

The only thing I gained so far in THIS YEAR is weight :)

I am not addicted to WHATS APP. I only use it when I have time ....... lunch time, break time, bed time, this time, that time, any time, all the time. :)

Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.

The most powerful words other than I LOVE YOU is "Salary is Credited" :)

Is there anything more awkward than when you are singing along to a song on youtube and the music stops loading.

Years of education, solving tough problems, handling complex issues, yet we take a while standing before glass doors thinking whether to Push or Pull.

Flirtationship: More than a friendship and less than a relationship.

Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.

In bed, it's 6AM you close your eyes for 5 minutes, it's 7:45. At school it's 1:30, close your eyes for 5 minutes, it's 1:31

I wonder what happens when doctor's wife eats an apple a day. :)

GOOGLE must be a woman because it knows everything.

I only need 3 things in life: Food, Wifi, Sleep :)

Boys, if you don't look like calvin klein models, don't expect us to look like victoria secrets angels. (From All Bachelor Girls Association) :)

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

TODAY has been cencelled. Go back to BED :)

I've had a horribly busy day converting oxygen into carbon dioxide. :)

Some people should have multiple Facebook accounts to go along with their multiple personalities.

At least mosquito's are attracted to me.

Laughing at your own texts before you send them because you are so damn funny.

I really need 5 hours of Facebook to balance out my 5 minutes of studying.

When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?

Today morning when I was driving my Ferrari, the alarm woke me up. :D

Restaurant Advertisement: We serve food as HOT as your neighbour's wife; And beer as COLD as your own. :)

My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it. lol

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either :)

Today's Relationships: You can touch each other but not each others phones.

I am sure I have a defective iPhone, I keep pressing the home button and I'm still at work.

A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

When a woman says WHAT? Its not because she didn't hear you. She's giving you a chance to change what you said.

My bed is always extra comfortable when I need to get out of it in the morning.

One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and is too stubborn to ask for directions :)

I always learn from mistake of others who take my advice :)

If time does not wait for you, don't worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.

If school has taught us anything, it's texting without looking :)

I hate people who steal my ideas, before I think of them :)

All my life I thought air is free until I bought a bag of chips.

1. Hum ‘Kimat’ sE nHi ‘Kismat’ Se Mila Krte Hai…

2. Na chhuri rakhta hu..or Na pistol rakhta hu, DILWALO ka beta hu bas dil me jigar rakhta hu!

3. तू जिद हे इस दिल की, वरना इन आँखो ने, और भी हसीन चेहरे देखे हे ।

4. वो तरस जाएँगी प्यार की एक बूँद के लिए, मैं तो बादल हूँ किसी और पे बरस जाऊंगा।

5. Zindgi me 2 Chize ke piche mat fago, 1 ladki or Dusri Bus yeh 2 chize Aati Jati Rahti hai..

6. ghulami to ham shirf apne maa baap kihi kartehe hai duniya ke liye to kal bhi badshah the or aaj bhi hai….

7. Mai apne ghar ke sanskaro ko manta hu, warna tujhe kab ki teri aukaT dikha di hoTi!!

8. किसी की क्या मजाल जो खरीद सकता हमको, वो तो हम ही बिक गये खरीददार देख के !

9. ज़हासे तेरी बादशाही खत्म होंती हे, वहासे मेरी नवाबी सुरु होती हे !

10. Log Ham se jal rahe hai..Lagta hai apne sikke bhe Is seher me chal rahe hai..

11. बन्दा खुद की नज़र में सही होना चाहिए.. दुनिया तो भगवान से भी दुखी है !

12. मेरे बारे में इतना मत सोचना, दिल में आता हु, समज में नही ।

13. Umar se to mai chota hu lakin Bade-Bade Aashiq muje salam thokte Hai..

14. Shukar MaaN Ke Maine tere se kabi ‘Mulaakat’ Nhi Ki, WarNaa Tere DiL Ko to TerE KhilaaF Krr DeTa….

15. इसी बात से लगा लेना मेरी शोहरत का अन्दाजा.. वो मुझे सलाम करते है, जिन्हे तु सलाम करता हैं !!

Read also : Whatsapp status | Sad status for whatsapp |

16. वो मंज़िल ही बदनसीब थी जो हमें पा ना सकी.. वरना जीत की क्या औकात जो हमें ठुकरा दे ।

17. I love those people who can smile in trouble…

18. Maa Jab b mere layi dua karti hai, Raste ki her Tohkre muje salam karti hai..

19. Dunia me SirF 2 Chize hi MasHoor Hai, Mera Style OR Mere GF Ki SmiLe….

20. वो खुद पर गरूर करते है, तो इसमें हैरत की कोई बात नहीं! जिन्हें हम चाहते है, वो आम हो ही नहीं सकते !!

21. मेरी हिम्मत को परखने की गुस्ताखी न करना, पहले भी कई तूफानों का रुख मोड़ चुका हु.

22. Hath pe ghadi koyi bhi Badi ho… Lekin waqt apna hona chahiye

23. पैदा तो में भी शरीफ हुवा था, पर शराफत से अपनी कभी नही बनी ।

24. मुझको पढ़ पाना हर किसी के लिए मुमकिन नहीं, मै वो किताब हूँ जिसमे शब्दों की जगह जज्बात लिखे है…!!

25. मुझमे खामीया बहुत सी होगी मगर, एक खूबी भी है.. मे कीसी से रीश्ता मतलब के लीये नही रखता.

Now you can easily send these attitude status to your friends and girlfriend. If you like my website then please visit regularly and keep sending your suggestions through contact us page.

हर स्त्री, पुरुष के साथ बराबरी चाहती है, मगर इस शर्त के साथ कि चूहे, छिपकलीऔर कॉकरोच के साथ पुरुष अकेले ही निपटेगा !

 Koi phoolo se krta h pyar koi kaanto se hum unse krte h pyar jo hum se krte h pyar

 Agaj us k hath me hai agaj kar k dekh  bhige hue pairo se parwaj kar k dekh.

 Jitna tera dimag chalta h , utna to mera kharab hota hai.

 itna na yad kro ki rat bhar so na sake, subhe ko surkh ankhon ka sabab puchte hai log.

 jindgi adhuri lagti h jab apne rooth jate h..

 Bina jokhim kuch nahi milta or jokhim vhi uthate hai jo sahsi hote hai.

 Sher ko ghas doge Ghode ko mas doge 2no. mar jayenge.

 Jo ho gya use socha nahi karte jo mil gya use khoya nahi karte...Hashil unhe hoti hai saflta jo waqt or halat par roya nahi krte.

 per mai moch and slow internet connection aadmi ko kbhi aage badne nahidete.

 Us pgli ko kya pta jis mandir me vo meri maut ki duaa karti hai..us mandir me jaan girvi rakhi hai use pane ke liye

 hum to aaj bhi apane hunar me dum rakhate hai chaa jate hai rang jb mahfile me kadam rakhate hai

 Ham tere bina ab rhe nahi skte tere bina kya vjood mera.

 अगर आज वो मुझसे बात कर लेती तो कौन सा कहर टूट पड़ता। खामोस रहकरखुद उसने तूफ़ान को न्योता दिया है।।

 jab vidwaan ikathe ho kare gnyan ki bat jab gadhe ikathe ho kare latam lat

 Jis din apna eka chalega ...us din to badsha kya badsha ka bap bhi apna gulam hoga .

 Main ek achchha ladka hun bas aadte thodi kharab hain. :P

 dusroki nuakri aur apni akal sabko achi lagti hai...

 tum kisi or se LOVE kar lo hame sudharne mai Time lagega... :-P

 Yaaro Ki Mehfil Aise Jamai Jati Hai, Kholne Se Pehle Botal Hilai Jati Hai.

 " बात " उन्हीं की होती है, जिनमें कोई " बात " होती है..

 बोला था ना मुझे block मत कर….देख तेरी friend मेरे love में फंस गई.

 Tuj.. Se Fursat Me Krunga Isab Ae.. Jindgi… Abhi Khud Ulja Hu Khud Ko Suljane  Me , That my Think

Commandant 14 GTC Subathu (Shimla Hills) Jobs 2016 – Cook, Barber & Other Posts: Commandant 14 Gorkha Training Centre Subathu (Shimla Hills), Himachal Pradesh has invited applications for the recruitment of Cook, Barber, Washerman, Stenographer Grade-II vacancies. Eligible candidates can apply in the prescribed application format on or before 14-04-2016 at 17:00 hrs. Other details like age limit, educational qualification, selection process & how to apply are given below…..

Ministry of Defence Vacancy Details:
Total No.of Posts: 09
Name of the Posts:
1. Cook: 05 Posts
2. Barber: 02 Posts
3. Washerman: 01 Post
4. Stenographer Grade-II: 01 Post

Age Limit: Candidates age should be between 18 – 28 years for Post 1, 3, 18 – 35 years for Post 2, 18 – 25 years for Post 4.

Educational Qualification: Candidates should possess 12 th pass or equivalent for Post 4, Matriculation pass or equivalent for other posts from a recognized university or board.

Selection Process: Selection will be based on written test.

How to Apply: Eligible candidates send their application in prescribed format along with attested photo copies of documents regarding qualification, latest passport size photograph affixed, caste cetificate, one self addressed envelope duly affixing postal stamp of Rs. 25/- to the Commandant 14 Gorkha Training Centre Subathu (Shimla Hills), Tehsil and District Solan, Himachal Pradesh-173206 on or before 14-04-2016 at 17:00 hrs.

Important Dates:
Last Date for Submission of Application: 14-04-2016 at 17:00 hrs. 
Date of Written Test: 02-05-2016 at 09:00 hrs.

For more details like pay scale & other information refer Employment News paper page No-14 dated on 02-04-2016 to 08-04-2016.

—————————————————————————————————————

Read more: Ministry of Defence Recruitment 2016 - 191 Tradesman Mat, LDC, Officer & Other Posts http://www.freejobalert.com/ministry-of-defence-recruitment/27816/#ixzz457FOm6j9

हे! मेरे 33 करोड़ देवी- देवताओं मुझे यादा कुछ नहीं चाहिए..बस आप सब एक एक रुपिया दे दो॥

कुछ लडकिया तो इतनी सुन्दर होती है के मैं मन ही मन में खुद को रिजेक्ट कर लेता हु। 

आज कल whatsapp पर वो लोग Admin बने हुऐ हें जो स्कूल टाइम में दो दो घण्टे मुर्गा बना करते थे ।

एक चिड़ा था…एक चिड़ी थी….. दोनों की शादी हो गयी और…वो चिड़चिड़े हो गए।

लगता है खुदा ने दिल बनाने का काँन्ट्रेक्ट चाईना को दे दिया है… आज कल टूट बहुत रहे है…

परम सत्य : कितनी भी mountain dew पीयो पर डर तो दारु पीने से ही दूर होता है.. 

ना pimple वाली के लिये, ना dimple वाली के लिये, ये photo है सिर्फ अपनी simple वाली के लिये

आजकल बच्चै 80% नंबर लाकर भी रो रहे हैं.. और एक हम थे जो दसवी में 38% नंबर लेके भी गली में नुक्ती बाँट दिया करते थे…!!

काश सूरज की भी बीवी होती तो उसे थोडा तो कंट्रोल में रखती 

अंग्रेजी की किताब बन गई हो तुम | पसंद तो आती हो पर समझ् मे नही ||

सुबह-सुबह फेसबुक, ट्विटर और व्हट्सएप पर 3-4 किलोमीटर तक उंगलियाँ खिसकाना… इसे भी मॉर्निंग वाक ही माना जाना चाहिए।

काश कोई हमारे पास भी आता और कहता कि- ‘ये लो “Blank Cheque” और निकल जाओ मेरी बेटी की जिन्दगी से 

कुछ मोहब्बतें इसलिए भी जुदा हो जाती हैं क्योंकि ,11th क्लास पहुँचते ही मैथ्स, बायो और कॉमर्स अलग अलग हो जाते हैं

लगता है बारिश को भी… कब्ज़ हो गयी है… मौसम बनता है पर आती नहीं…

जैसे ही बीवी कहती है सोच रही हूँ मायके हो आऊँ . .टिंडे की सब्जी भी पनीर लगने लगती है।।

मेरी Girlfriend भी iPhone 7 जैसी है.. अभी तक Launch नहीं हुई 

हे भगवान भले मुझे साउथ के हीरो जैसी ताकत मत दे, पर उनकी होरोइन जैसी GF दिला दे 

शराब और मेरा कई बार ब्रेकअप हो चुका है; पर कमबख्त हर बार मुझे मना लेती है।

बदनाम तो केवल दारु है,वरना किडनी और लिवर तो मैगी ने ही ख़राब किये हैँ ।

नरेंद्र मोदी, पंछी, नदिया, पवन के झोंके, कोई सरहद न इन्हें रोके..

ये तो बड़ा मुझ पर अत्याचार हो गया, खामख्वाह मुझे तुझसे प्यार हो गया |

जिस दिन वो मेरी सलामती की दुआ करती है…उस दिन गोल्ड फ्लैक भी जेब में टूट जाती है….

Love status in hindi

Log kehta hai ki mohabbat sirf ek bar hoti hai,
Par jab jab use dekhu, mujhe bar bar hoti hai.

Maine bhi badal diya hai zindagi ke usul.Ab jo yad karega vo hi yad rahega.

Raaz Khol Dete Hain Nazuk Se Ishaare Aksar.. Kitni Khamosh Mohabbat Ki Zubaan Hoti Hai..

वो शाम का दायरा मिटने नहीं देते , हमसे सुबहे का इंतज़ार होता नहीं है ।

Hum alfazon ke intezar mein the,
Unhone khamoshi se vaar kar diya..

UDA DO RANJISH AB HAWA MEIN MERE YAARON,
DIL NAHI KARTA NAFRAT KARNE KO..

जान लेने पे तुले हे दोनो मेरी..इश्क हार नही मानता..दिल बात नही मानता

हर कोई पूछता है, करते क्या हो तुम ???जेसे मोहब्बत कोई काम ही नहीं…

Kaash tum mout hoti,
Toh ek din jaroor meri hoti,

हज़ार बार ली है तुमने तलाशी मेरे दिल की, बताओ कभी कुछ मिला है इसमें प्यार के सिवा..

Garmi to bahut pad rahi hai, Par unka dil pighalne ka naam nahi le raha..

अगर हम सुधर गए तो उनका क्या होगा जिनको हमारे पागलपन से प्यार है

Fikr toh teri aaj bhi karte hain,
Bas jikr karne ka hak nahi raha

Auron se to umeed ka rishta bhi nahi tha
Tum itne badal jaoge socha bi nai tha..!!

hum wo dard hain jo ankho se jhalakte hain.

Kuch rishton ke liye pyar kabhi kam nahi hota.

Hath Unka Chu Jaye Humare Chehre Ko
Isi Umeed Mein Hum khud ko Rulate Hain.

shayad chupke se rona bhi zindagi hai

Khud hi de jaoge to behtar hai,
Warna hum dil chura bhi lete hain..!

Jane Duniya Mein Aisa Kyun Hota Hai..
Jo Sab Ko Khushi De Wahi Rota Hai

Bada azeeb sa rishta hai apna
Tu mera sab kuch, aur main tera kuch bhi nahi… :’) !!

Tum मिले या ना मिले ये तो और बात है, मैं कोशिश भी ना करूँ, ये तो गलत बात ह!!!!

Meri Zindgi bigaad di tumne..Apne lamhe sanwarne ki laye..!!

Tujhe koi aur bhi chahe, is baat se dil thoda jalta hai,
Par fakar hai mujhe, meri pasand pe bhi koi marta hai.

Suna hai tum jiddi bahut ho,
Mujhe bhi apni jid bana lo.

Sachhe pyaar ki koi Expiration Date nahi hoti..

Hume tumse pyar kitna, yeh hum nahi jante, magar jee nahi sakte tumhare binaa…

जी भर गया है तो बता दो
हमें इनकार पसंद है इंतजार नहीं…!

Jiski saza ho tum, ai khuda aisa koi gunah kara de.

Itna mat sataya kar ki raat tak no so sake hum.

Dard dilo ke kum ho jate, Mein aur tum agar hum ho jate…

Khud hi de jaoge to behtar hai,
warna hum dil churana bhi jaante hai..

Mere bare mein itna mat sochna,
Dil mein aata hun, samajh mein nahi.

Jo mein rooth jau to tum mana lena,
Kuch mat kehna bas sine se laga lena.

Attitude Whatsapp status in hindi

Jitna tera dimag chalta h , utna to mera kharab hota hai.

बोला था ना मुझे block मत कर….देख तेरी friend मेरे love में फंस गई.

” बात ” उन्हीं की होती है, जिनमें कोई ” बात ” होती है..

tum kisi or se LOVE kar lo hame sudharne mai Time lagega… 

per mai moch and slow internet connection aadmi ko kbhi aage badne nahidete.

Baat Unhi ki hoti hai, Jinme koi baat hoti hai..

Zindagi RUDE hai to kya hua, Hum bhi DUDE hai.

Bhaw hum dete nahi, aut akkad hum sehte nahi.

36 Ayengi, 36 jayengi, But meri wali to meri mummi hi layegi.

Jaha sach na chale, waha jhooth hi sahi, jaha hak na mile waha loot hi sahi.

Read More: Attitude status in Hindi.

Some more:

Dil Cheer Kar DekH ….TeRa NaaM Hi likha HoGa..

Mai har kisi k liye apne aap ko accha sabit nhi kr skta ….Lekin mai un sab ke liye lajawab hu , Jo mujhe Samajhte hai 

Dhoka Deti Hain MasoOm ChehrOn KiChamAk AksAr …. !?!!?! …. Har KaanCh ka Tukra Heera Nhi Hota …. !

Kharch karta hun sanson ki rakam teri yaado par,
Log mehengi kehte hain mujhko sasti lagti hai..

Buri khabar yeh hai ki samay kum hai,
Par achi yeh hai ki abhi bhi samay hai..

विकल्प मिलेंगे बहुत, मार्ग भटकाने के लिए, संकल्प एक ही काफ़ी है, मंज़िल तक जाने के लिए !

sochta yeh raha raat bhar, karwat badal badal kar, jane woh kyun badal gaya, mujhko itna badalkar

Badan ke ghav dikhakar jo apna pet bharta hai, sun hai wo bhikari jhakham bhar jane se darta hai..!

वो मुजे नफ़रत करें या प्यार करें मैं तो एक दीवाना हूँ.

मेरा होकर भी गैर की जागीर लगता है, दिल भी साला मसला-ऐ-कश्मीर लगता है

Jinda raho jab tak, log kamiya hi nikalte hai,
Marne ke baad, najane kaha se khubiyan dhoond late hai!

Aisa nahi hai ki jindagi bahut choti hai..
Vaastav mein hum jeena hi bahut der se suru karte hai!

Nigahon se bhi chot lagti hai janab,
Jab koi dekh kar bhi andekha kar deta hai!

Kitne bhi acche karm kar loo..
Marne ke baad logo usiko yaad karenge jo udhar lekar mara hai.. :p

Har roz itna muskaraya karo ki,
Dukh bhi kahe YAR Mein galti se kaha aa gaya…